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As a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, mostly enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners again.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous gay men engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, often resulting in significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire a partner to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.

Each individual's sexual journey varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle different types of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet someone offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over the future and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to deepen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American therapy professional who specialises in treating sexual disorders.